Newgroups: talk.politics.misc, alt.vampyres, rec.org.mensa,
alt.rush-limbaugh
Subject: Are Vampyres "Entitled" ?
From: jmason@iu.net (jim)
Are Vampyres "Entitled" To Public Support ?
Let us consider the facts :
a) Vampyres, "the haemotologically challenged" are
an historically despised group, leading to low
self-esteem, job and housing discrimination
and a vulnerability to hate crimes.
b) Vampyres are generally incapable of holding any
"normal" job due to the pressures caused by
their "special condition", ie :
1) A constant, obsessive mental preoccupation
with obtaining fresh blood for ingestion
in order to preserve viability.
2) Extreme photosensitivity, rendering daytime
employment impossible.
3) Special chemical sentivities, rendering the
use of mass-transit difficult due to the
routes passing near eating establishments
which commonly employ garlic and major
religious edifices where exposure to "holy
water" is an unacceptable risk.
4) Strict limitations on travel distances as
necessitated by the requirement of reaching
a specially prepared "rest area" before
daybreak.
5) Co-worker anamositities and prejudices as
mentioned in section 'a' which contribute
to a hostile workplace environment.
6) Threats to co-workers as a result of the
conditions defined in section 'b', sub-
section '1'. Research suggests that
vampyrism can also be contagious under
certain conditions.
7) The inability to image vampyres in reflective
devices poses grave jobsite injury potential
which may be incompatible with established OSHA
regulations concerning the use of safety
mirrors.
It should be obvious that vampyres are incapable of
integrating themselves into the existing economic
system without resorting to heroic measures over and
above those required by the average citizen. Given
this, it is reasonable and humane to declare that
vampyres be deemed entitled to generous public support
in way of compensation for said debilitating factors.
As cash monies do not completely fulfill a vampyres
daily life-needs, (see section 'b', subsection '1'),
it will be necessary to enact a "haemoglobin tax"
which will apply to the general population in order
to secure the vital nutrients required for the
continued health and well-being of the vampyres.
This should be a direct tax, requiring any citizen
to allow any vampyre in need to directly extract
haemoglobin from their bodies as necessity dictates.
A public-awareness series should also be prepared to
better inform the population as to the tragic nature
of vampyrism, to discourage predjudicial attitudes
and to educate each citizen as to the most effective
methodologies by which they can fulfill their
haemoglobin tax obligations.
--jim
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